I have tried so hard to appreciate soccer.  I really have. 

But seriously, soccer is just so silly!  

I can’t watch much of a soccer game without bursting out in chuckles.  Who created this game?  Who came up these the rules?   

As the game begins, you’ll see about twenty players all start running toward one end of the field.  They run around in large circles for a moment or two, until, suddenly, the ball flies down the field in the opposite direction.  The players all turn the other way to chase the ball.  And this back and forth chasing of the ball goes on and on.  Run down the field to the left.  Wait, there goes the ball the other way.  Turn around! Run down the field to the right. Wait, there goes the ball back to the left.  Turn around and run again!  Over and over.   That’s pretty much all that happens.

Every five or ten minutes, one of the players will surprise the crowd by trying to kick the ball into the goal, but these attempts don’t happen often.    And they hardly ever succeed.  Goals are rare in soccer; a 3 to 1 final score is considered a high-scoring game! 

While almost all the players participate in the back and forth running, two players spend the entire game standing alone, one at each end of the field. I’ve been told they are placed there to defend the goal cage.  But I suspect they are being punished for bad behavior.   These two players must have done something wrong – why else are they forced to wear special costumes, making them look a bit like court jesters?
One of the funniest rules in soccer is that players cannot touch the ball with their hands.   Why?  Who knows?  Maybe the guy who invented soccer just had really bad hands.   No other sport denies its players the right to use their hands.  It is a rule that is unique to soccer. Can you envision baseball or basketball being played with no hands?   

There is an exception to the “no hands” rule. Those two players who stand at each end of the field, who wear the odd costumes, get to use their hands.  Why?  Nobody knows!   

Every once in a while, all the soccer players suddenly stop running, and move off to the side of the field.   One player is chosen to try what they call a “free” kick.  (It is still not clear to me when a player actually has to pay for a kick.) 

I think these occasional free kicks are a clever time-out strategy to allow all those tired runners to rest. The officials don’t say much about the free kicks, but they do seem to enjoy waving big yellow and red cards in the air.  What these cards mean is unclear, but they sure are colorful!  

When a game ends in a tie, soccer uses a unique method to pick a winner.  A few players from each team stand about twenty yards from the goal, and try to score, one-on-one, against the goalie. The team that succeeds most often wins the game! Could you imagine a tied basketball game being decided by a free-throw competition after the game?  Could you see a tied football game decided by a field goal contest after the game?  Only soccer could have come up with this! 

In almost all sports, a buzzer or a horn signals the end of the game.  But not so in soccer.  When the buzzer sounds to announce the end of a soccer game, the game is not really over. After the official ninety minutes of the game are completed, something called “extra time” is added to the clock.  Why?  Who knows? 

How much extra time is added to the game? The officials don’t say, and even the players don’t know.   A soccer game is over, but it is not really over, until it is once again, over!